I was following links, spending way too much time doing so, and came across the blog Revolutionaries. Bonnie was having the first “Share Your Story Sunday” and Savannah, whose story is copied with permission (she is just starting her ministry and doesn’t have a blog set up yet) so I could share her brave, heart-breaking and heart-mending story
Most people try to avoid any kind of pain the best way they can. Naturally, pain hurts and we don’t want it to be inflicted on us. With that being said, I will admit that it was the total opposite for me. For ten years of my life my closest friends were a box cutter and a razor blade.
Growing up my parents were drug addicts and alcoholics, and I had to take care of myself. I was always told not to tell anyone the things that happened because I would be taken away to a bad place. Everything that happened to me, and that went on around me, was “normal” for me and so that was all that I knew. I didn’t necessarily know that what was going on was “bad,” I just knew not to tell anyone.
My father had a stroke that left him disabled when I was nine years old and then my mother started having an affair when I was about eleven. I choose to live with my mother and her boyfriend and in that time the drug use got worse. My mother would take me to drug houses with her and leave me there. I was always placed in dangerous situations and experienced many things that no child should ever have to experience. I was abandoned and abused, but I wanted to be with my mother no matter what.
Eventually, things didn’t work out with my mother and her boyfriend so we moved in with my father and grandmother where things only continued to get worse. My father became addicted to these drugs as well and my grandmother was addicted to prescription medicine, so it was one big drug house and they did anything they had to do to get their next high.
Things finally changed one day when my parents got into a fight and I watched both of them slit their wrists in attempt to commit suicide. They were taken to the hospital and I was taken to foster care. I didn’t understand why they would cut themselves and I knew it had to hurt. The life that I knew had just been turned upside down and emotionally I was hurting. One day I wanted to know what it felt like when my parents cut themselves, so I tried it and to my surprise I liked it. It was almost as if that physical pain made the emotional pain that I was feeling go away. From that day on every time I got upset or angry I would cut.
The cutting only got worse and of course the group home that I was in did not deal with kids who cut, so I was taken from one group home to another and then eventually put in a residential treatment center where I stayed for eight months. While I was in the program, I learned that if I just hid my cuts they would think I was all better…and it worked. I completed my treatment program and when I was 15 my older brother got custody of me.
I was still very depressed and just a wreck emotionally. I was still cutting, but nobody knew. I became friends with my guidance counselor at school and she made me a part of her family and took me to church with her every week. I didn’t really like going to church, but I liked being with her and her family, so I went. About 3 years ago, my pastor was preaching a sermon about addictions and how we try to fill our lives up with so much junk, but we can never be satisfied because only Jesus can satisfy us. It was that day that I knew that I needed to get help because cutting had seriously taken over my life. I had a box cutter or a razor blade hidden everywhere and I always had one on me because I never knew when I was going to need to cut. I was having to go get stitches and staples because I was cutting so deep and I knew I needed help, but was scared because everyone thought that I already quit cutting.
I ended up meeting with my pastor and he helped me get the help that I needed. I gave my life to the Lord and September of 2009 was the last time that I cut myself. It has been a huge process because like any addiction you are always going to be tempted in some way. It’s been a little over two years since I cut and there are still days every now and then that all I want to do is cut because that is what I did for ten years.
Romans 8:28 tells us that “God works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him”… And that is what He has done in my life. I am 24 now and He has taken all of the stuff that I went though as a child and has given me victory over that. I have a speaking and mentoring ministry now called Cutting Edge Ministries… I am still in the works of getting it advertised and really up and going, but it has been an amazing thing so far. The Lord has allowed to me go to youth groups to speak, Women’s events, etc. I was also able to share about my addiction to cutting on the radio and even on a T.V. Talk show. Through my speaking events, I have been able to help other people who are struggling with cutting or another addiction. Some people just need someone to talk to and encourage and I am able to do that through the ministry that God has given me. I know that God’s plans are far greater than mine and I am excited to see what He has in store for me.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with cutting or another addiction you are welcome to contact me through email